One day I was just sitting(which is really not that uncommon) and thinking(this is uncommon) what it would be like to be known as a Bollywood actor.While my right brain created powerful visuals of me accepting the Best Actress Oscar,my left brain was engaged in listing out reasons why I could never enter that profession.Here goes:
I could be a very good example of a reflex action to be shown to a biology class.As soon as the camera flash is turned towards me,my eyes close automatically.So,in almost all my photos,all my thirty two teeth are exposed within a wide award winning big-enough-to-eat-two-cake-pieces-at-once smile and my eyes are shut.It appears that I am enjoying a good dream in a deep sleep,not something an actress would want to have in her portfolio.Who would want to cast somebody who looks like a grinning zombie in their movies?
Dancing with heels:
I love my feet,soles and the bone structure of my back and body which have undergone thousands of years of evolution to become what they are.Dancing with five inch pencil heels defies the law of Spinning Around Without Falling Flat On Your Face.I admire all our Indian actors for managing this feat.The above mentioned dance takes place in most unusual situations and backdrops,like on train tops,in the midst of thick forests,mountain tops,in the middle of the sea,some dream sequences also involve dancing with celestial beings,the planetary system,Nature,cartoon characters et al.To manage to jump,lip sync,grimace,tap the feet wrapped in those dangerous size zero heels is a feat in itself.I admit de'feet'.
Sleepless in Movieland:
Apart from my family,Harry Potter,books and a queen sized utterly unhealthy cheese pizza,the only other thing that is ultra precious to me is my sleep.I have categorized it into the following levels:
-the Reluctant Morning Wake Up
-the Mid Morning Daydream
-the Satiated Stomach Needs A Full Sleep
-Tea,Biscuits and a Pillow
-Dear Old Bed,Here I Come
This is the weekday routine.Weekends usually sing the "Eternal Sleep of the Vacuumed Mind".
Compare this blissful existence with that of an actor's.Running around for press conferences,giving umpteen interviews,looking stunning at any given time of the day or night,taking power naps.Oof,sleep is given a slip in the movieland and this slip records a light blip of my shuddering heart which gives yet another flip.
The Hour Glass Figure:
Ahh,my favorite topic.Not that I am the picture of rosy health,bustling with energy and sporting an enviable figure.It's quite the contrary.To the untrained eye,I appear as a mass of clothes assembled together and forgotten by somebody.Sitting squarely at one assigned place and refusing to get up is my specialty,one that has given me a pleasing roundish appearance.Round,though a very well accepted geometrical entity,one involving numerous horrendous sums,angles and tangents,is somehow not accepted as a worthwhile body shape.One dimensional linear shapes always score more than the poor 360 degree round.I'm thinking of raising my voice against this injustice.Round people deserve to be treated at par with the Smug Linear ones.
So anyway,it takes me an hour to convince my well fed will to don some exercise gear and jump into action.But soon,my better sense prevails and the hour glass figure metamorphoses into an hour with a glass of ice cold beverage which ultimately gives me a cold.All this means that I can never aspire to light the screen with my rounded personality.However,I can be cast perfectly as a bobbing basketball.No one can come close to cinching the title.
"Oh,we're just good friends."
(The less said about this statement,the better)
"My role in this film is very different."
(Ya,instead of dancing on the Swiss Alps,I dance on Kanchenjunga.Instead of wearing five inch heels,I wear three inch heels)
"Nothing of this sort has ever been attempted before."
(We were the only ones foolish and rich enough to take up this subject)
"I am a director's actress."
(Till he tells me to give another take.Then I am my own actress)
"I got along very well with all my co stars."
(My co stars look like dung covered toads with the IQs of an earthworm)
"The entire unit was like a big happy family."
(Families that take feverish inputs from K soaps)
No,thanks.I'm perfectly happy in my little round world.